Relationships are delicate. They need consistent nurture and attention. Often people in relationships can feel that they are not always the ‘priority’ as they once were when the relationship was new. Perhaps their doubts could be true too. But, is not being a priority really a cause of concern? Does that also mean that they are not valued anymore?
Let’s focus on understanding the real meaning of Value and Priority in a relationship.
- Scenario 1: “They are so busy, they never really listen to what I need to tell them. They are always on their phones/laptops. If I talk to them it always feels like they are half-listening to what I have to say to them, I constantly feel upset because I always end up feeling like not being heard”
- Scenario 2: “It’s irritating to watch them constantly with their phones or laptops deep in their work that it seems impossible to grab their attention sometimes! Yes, it drives me up the walls. I try to hang on momentarily because they are so focused on their work, then I intrude because I want to talk. They look up from whatever they are doing and beg me to spare them a few more minutes to wind up their work, they promise to give me undivided attention after they have finished whatever they are busy with, and they do.
- Scenario 1: In a conversation, they often cut me off. If I suggest or advice they don’t consider it; if the same is mentioned by someone else, they take that more seriously. I feel that they are often half-listening to me. It upsets me when they don’t consider my point of view or listen to what I have to say to them.
- Scenario 2: When we are in a group, and everyone is talking, they look they are they are talking and listening to everyone, but they always give me their special attention when I am talking to them. When-ever I speak to them, they focus on what I have to say to them; even if they are busy or amid many people in the room. If an idea doesn’t make sense to them, they don’t reject it immediately, they look like they have given it a good thought before explaining it to me why they can’t consider my suggestion/advice. They always allow me to finish my sentence.
Both the 1st scenarios highlight a clear Lack of Value for the other person or their opinions.
Both the 2nd scenarios highlight ‘Priorities’.
Not ‘valuing’ you or your presence is a relationship ‘Deal-Breaker’; But focusing on other things/people while you are around is quite normal and happens alarmingly often in a stable relationship. If you are not valued in your relationship, you need to retrace your steps and figure out how you let that happen. But if you are upset that you are not a priority then this article is for you.
When you shift your focus of control from your life and begin to enmesh your being with theirs, you begin to feel upset when you stop being their priority, because instead of making yourself your focus, you have made them and their life as your focus. Each day you find yourself sitting on that bench that you both had once shared, and occasionally still share, feeling lonely, feeling upset, feeling left-out, feeling angry and remembering the times when only the two of you mattered to each other.
While you are on that bench, sitting all by yourself, anticipating and awaiting their return. How about getting off that bench to find your own salt? How about gathering your own accomplishments and checking off that list of milestones to achieve? When the two of you do get back occasionally on that bench together, you too can take pride in discussing about your successes instead of complaining about how left out you had felt in their absence. Surprise yourself and them by talking about your accomplishments, give them a reason to feel awe of you. Not a reason to feel guilty for dividing their attention.
Whenever you feel that you are not a priority, ask yourself to distinguish between Value and Priority. And repeat to yourself that you are your priority. Repeat to yourself,
I enjoy making my own cup.
I enjoy filling my own cup.
If someone fills it for me, I let myself enjoy that.
I am ok if they forget to or don’t, I don’t hold them accountable.
I enjoy making my own cup.
I enjoy filling my own cup.
