Do you feel the pressure to always please people around you. Even if it is at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing? This behavior is called as people pleasing. You often feel over worked, and under appreciated by people around you. Are you wondering on ways in which you can live your life authentically and at the same time find the balance between giving and receiving in your relationships professionally as well as in your personal life.
This blog article aims to explain what is people pleasing and why do we do it. Additionally, this article provides valuable tips on how to stop people pleasing and set firm and loving boundaries around yourself, your time and resources.
What is people pleasing?
It is Friday night at work you are already exhausted from having taken on extra work of another colleague. You wanted to say no, you already have too much on your plate but unbale to refuse your colleague’s request you begrudgingly take on the extra work. Afterall, you fear coming across as rude and unhelpful.
At home a family member wants your help and even though you are exhausted and want to rest for the evening. You feel obligated to help them out because refusing to do so would hurt their feelings and this could be a potential for conflict. It is easier to keep peace by agreeing to help them out.
It is normal to occasionally help out a colleague or family member. That is how healthy relationships function. However, in the above scenario, the person giving is not doing so because they want to help. Rather they feel unconsciously pressured into being helpful and agreeable because they feel guilty saying no, feel that they can not upset the other person and are unable to communicate their boundaries and feelings. This is what is known as people pleasing behavior. It is chronically prioritising the needs, feelings, and wants of other people over your own wellbeing and needs.
Why do we people please?
The roots of adult people pleasing behavior can be traced back to childhood experiences of growing up to please parents and other elders. Growing up in an Indian household it is a commonly held traditional value that children must obey their elders and other authority figures such as teachers. It is taught that elders can never be wrong and cannot be questioned by the child “do not talk back to your parents or teachers and always obey them.”
Children should never question their elders or voice their displeasure. Such an environment creates an adaptive childhood trauma response to growing up in an environment where a child’s emotional needs to feel safe, seen and known are not met by their parents/ caregivers.
Children who fear harsh punishments and withdrawal of love and affection if they do not comply with the wishes of their parents and other authority figures as a way to minimise such occurrences begin to develop people pleasing tendencies.
Gender also plays an important role here; from a young age girls are taught to be good and nice. Conditioned into keeping the peace at home, being more responsible for the upkeep of the house and to care for younger siblings. The subtle message given to young girls – is to ignore their needs, feelings and wants and focus on keeping the ‘peace’ and everyone happy. As an adult, the long-term consequences of people-pleasing is the loss of self- identity, low self esteem and feeling like a pushover.
Emotionally immature parents who are unable to emotionally attune to the needs of their children or misinterpret the emotional needs of their children. Create an environment where children do not feel emotionally validated or safe. Violent and angry temper out bursts in the form of shouting, hitting and silent treatment makes a child feel that their parents are unreliable and cannot be trusted emotionally to be there for them.
For example, if a child is feeling upset over losing their favourite toy. The parent instead of validating their feelings of loss. Says to the child “it was just a toy, do not create a scene or else papa will get very angry” or “you are embarrassing me, boys do not cry” such instances invalidate the emotional experiences of a child. The child feel the need to manage the feelings of their parents by smoothening things over or not expressing themselves. This early emotional abandonment creates the roots of people pleasing tendencies in adulthood.
Read More about: Impact Of Childhood Trauma On Adults
Emotionally starved children who do not get consistent love, acceptance and emotional validation in childhood combined with feeling that their ‘survival’ depends on the temperamental moods and feelings of their parents/ caregivers. As a coping mechanism such children begin to read the room, making sure their parents are in a good mood, constantly watching out for anger in other people so as to minimize conflict and withdrawal of love and affection.
Additionally, personality traits such as high levels of agreeableness and high emotional sensitivity. People with such personality traits are more prone to becoming people pleasers.
Healing from people pleasing and learning to set healthy boundaries.
If this article resonates with you, do not despair because the reasons why we learn maladaptive coping mechanisms can be many, but to heal. One needs to be self -aware and understand the causes of why we do what we do.
Psychologist Sherene Chaz of Serene Hour Counselling and Career Advice consultancy suggests that people pleasing behaviours at their root is driven by an avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. People pleasers fear rejection and want to avoid any kind of conflicts and negative emotions such as anger and guilt even if it costs them their wellbeing.
Therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help individuals overcome people pleasing thoughts and behaviours because CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours. Additionally, therapy with a licensed psychologist will help you reframe your negative thoughts and help you learn new skills on setting appropriate boundaries and understanding your own needs, feelings and emotions.
A few tips on how people pleasers can set boundaries for themselves:
- Practice taking your time: When someone gives you a request instead of automatically feeling pressured to say, yes. Give your self some time to be able to check in with yourself and formulate a response. For example, a friend asks you to pick their dress from the dry cleaner. Instead of immediately saying yes. Instead, say “could you give me a moment, to check in with my schedule and I will let you know”. This way you give yourself the time you need to think and understand if you want to help or not.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance: One of the core reasons why an individual people please is because they want validation and approval from others. Being at peace with yourself and your choices can help you break free from people pleasing tendencies.
3. Get comfortable with negative emotions: Growing up people pleasers have always seen emotions as acceptable and unacceptable. However, emotions such as anger and resentment etc are indicators that something is not right. Learning how to channelise your emotions of anger, guilt and resentment can help you live a more authentic life.
In conclusion
People pleasing is a maladaptive coping mechanism that if not addressed through therapy and mindfulness can lead to a person living a unfulfilled life without real connections and authenticity. Understanding yourself, your feelings and emotions along with setting healthy boundaries and communicating your needs can lead to a happier and fulfilling life and relationships. If you need help with people pleasing and setting boundaries reach out to Serene Hour for therapy.
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